It’s 10:56 PM and I can’t seem to sleep right now.  My thoughts are racing about S.  I told him a couple of days ago when I last saw him that I wasn’t sure I could date a guy with kids that young.  That’s not entirely true.  It’s more I’m afraid.  I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to bond with them properly.  I’m afraid of this because my fears tell me, they will worry I would be trying to replace their mother.  That is not true.  I would never overstep my bounds in the future, if things work out with S.  I believe that their mother comes over girlfriend (and perhaps more one day?) when it comes to the kids.  I would want them to know this if I ever get the opportunity to meet them.

I always seem to go through this phase that S is on my mind 24/7 after I see him.  This time it is lasting longer.  I want to be so careful and just be his friend.  Neither of us is in a place right now to get involved, although I am closer to being ready than he is.  His divorce just happened a few days ago.  He is truly hurt and I’m sure he will be emotionally scarred for some time to come.  It could take a year, maybe two or even three, before he’s ready to date anyone. 

I don’t know if that person will be me.  I do know there are some mutual feelings there.  I know it in the way he hugs me tight when I see him.  I know it by the way we talked about some deeper subjects the first night I saw him earlier this year.  I did not realize, I had been the one to break it off.  I did though, and the memories are coming back to me after he told me.  I had told him about 18 years ago that I didn’t know what I wanted, and that it was over.  He was pretty upset, and I didn’t realize until more recently how he had really felt about me all that time ago.

As I mentioned in a previous post, we could always giggle like a couple of schoolgirls.  It was even pointed out by our old Master Sergeant in the office we worked in.  Those were pretty much the words he had used, “you guys are giggling like a couple of schoolgirls”.  It’s true.  S and I always seemed to have a knack for making each other laugh.  He is the only person in the world that knows exactly what I’m talking about when I say something totally off the wall.  And of course, we could always talk about anything and everything. 

I tried forgetting about him over the years.  I realized more recently when I was engaged, that I still held a special place in my heart for S.  However, I always told myself, “He’s married now.  He probably has kids.  I hope he is happy wherever he is.”  I was lying to myself to forget.  But I just couldn’t.  I remember the song “I Remember You” by Skid Row.  There’s a line that says, “’Cause you’ll always be my dream come true…”  Over the years, any time I heard that song, I thought about S.  I never really knew the meaning of it in my heart, except that I remember it was on in his car when we were driving to my brother’s for Thanksgiving.  Now I know.  It’s always been him.  He’s my dream come true.  I love the man he was when we were together.  I love the friend I have now as my best guy friend.  I can’t say for sure that I love him now in a romantic way because we've both grown and changed over the years.  I do feel if and when we’re ready, our relationship would blossom into something beautiful and unshakeable.

Years ago, I didn’t think S believed in God.  He never really went to church back then and we never talked about it.  One thing I longed for was someone to go to church with.  It just seems that much more special when you have your other half with you.  S told me he attends church with his children.  I thought I had that with the ex-fiancé, but it obviously didn’t work out.  Maybe in a couple years, I’ll have that again.  Who knows what could happen?

The last subject I want to touch on is this:  After 18 years of having broken up, and now he is back in my life on a fairly regular basis.  (I would love to see him more often, but right now is a busy and stressful time for both of us.)  Why is it, at the point of him going through a divorce, are we hanging out again?  We didn’t seek each other out.  It just happened on a whim at our mini military reunion.  I think about this question often, but I try not to dwell on it.  I truly do feel that if and when we would be ready to try again, it would be amazing and rock-solid.  I feel nothing could drag us from each other.   The world could turn into total chaos, but I don’t think it would matter if we had each other. 

I want someone who stands beside me, not in front of or behind.  I want someone to laugh with me and enjoy life.  I want someone I can confide in, no matter how uncomfortable the conversation may be.  I want someone who loves me despite my flaws.  I want the man I can talk to with no fear of judgement or jealousy.  I want my soulmate, no matter how long it takes.  I will wait a thousand years for him to come around.  I do pray for patience, and I do pray I won’t be heartbroken if nothing comes of it.  The heart knows what it wants, and I cannot deny my feelings any longer.  I hope to one day show him this without fear of rejection.  For now, I will just let it be and be his friend.